cowperthwait | lies, evasion, spin, circumspection and cleverly veiled hype

Dear American Airlines

2012-10-08T20:22:17Z

The logoed coffee mugs in your ORD domestic Ambassadors Club are the saddest swag I've ever seen. Fuzzy digital printing — what, did you guys use Zazzle?… — and a non-standard kerning of the logotype. It's as exhausted and shorn of purpose as everything else about your airline has become.

Now. That being said, after a ruse that involved going to the effort of brushing my teeth just so that a bizarrely attentive Mossad-agent-turned-janitor could supervise me using the mug to rinse out my toothpaste, thereby providing a cover for having brought a coffee mug into the restroom, I managed to abscond with one of your sad little mugs in my toiletry bag.

Shit could be a collector's item soon, see, and I bet US AIRWAYS won't bother making mugs at all.

Everyone has a Steve Jobs story, right?

2011-10-06T14:37:55Z

The irony and the "God, we're white" self-consciousness and the embarrassing theater (an "iPhone-light vigil" in Dolores Park: just ew) and the nervous jokes ("Let's see how Samsung copies this!"…) make it more complicated, but this is a thing, an actual thing.

My job, interests, and identity are so linked to my curiosity / affinity for technology, and while I know Steve didn't invent the microprocessor or build the Internet, he nonetheless started it for me.

I got hooked on an Apple II in 1987. I got really hooked with my first Mac in 1993. I learned that others enjoyed (or pretended to enjoy) reading what I wrote with a self-published newspaper I made in ClarisWorks. I got hooked on advertising & branding in my first high school job doing community newspaper layouts in Pagemaker & Illustrator. When I dropped out of college to fuck around with filmmakers, they were there — this whole scene was possible to non-film-students at a school with no budget for filmmaking — because you could cut a feature with $5000 worth of Mac & software. Don't even get me started on the iPhone industry, which paid much of my rent as a publicist for all of 2009 & 2010; that is pretty literally why I live in this condo, am typing on this iPad, am walking to work soon to my sitcom set of a startup.

Look. I know it's just commerce, a testament to his ability to design a company that infiltrated and shaped the economy with nuclear effect over less than 40 years. It's just business. (An exercise: ask yourself if the flags at Foxconn are at half-mast today. Ask if they even took a water break when they heard the news.)

That said? It feels so personal. I know he changed the world and all, but, so much more importantly, this guy changed my life.

holiday reading: the yuppies

2011-09-05T01:36:07Z

should've just hit him back with your giant phone

A 1986 Louis Harris Associates survey showed the following: 73 percent of Americans believed that yuppies were primarily intent on making more money; 81 percent of yuppies agreed that they were; 72 percent of the public believed that yuppies were more concerned with their own needs than with the needs of others; the same percentage of yuppies agreed; 70 percent of those surveyed thought yuppies bought flashy cars and clothes in order to set themselves apart from others; 81 percent of yuppies said this was so.

—David Kiley, Driven, p 130.

Meet Sloane

2011-06-23T21:50:12Z

Sloane Julia Albritton Hart.
6 pounds, 15 oz. 19.5 inches.

Oh my god, kid, you have no idea how awesome the world is, but you're about to find out.

Previously:
Meet Nolan

Kirsten's new job: writing dick jokes, on the Internet.

2011-06-13T18:52:05Z

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh holy crap, you guys. It's not like we didn't already spend election years getting blind drunk and writing juvenile IMs about Rudy Giuliani — but now our girl gets paid to do it. Outta sight.

Like Michele Bachmann, I recently got a revelation from Jesus, and he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette. I told this to Ken Layne and he said, sure, that sounds good, here’s your login, goodbye forever. That sounds like sort of a cliche, Jesus!, but whatever. Jesus tells us to do weird things, right?

And, I am pleasantly surprised: it took nearly one dozen comments before anyone asked her to show her tits. Who says civility is dead!

Meet Your Newest Wonkette, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, From Mexico!

We both agreed on Kirstenboyd Joncowperthwait Hart, so there's that.

2011-05-20T00:28:03Z

NOVEMBER 2010: Already looks like a Bailey…

Nolan's little sister makes her debut later this summer. KMBJ and I have assumed the responsibility of helping Leah and Dan pick a name.

5:04:06 PM JEC (GTalk): Look, take your Marxist-sympathist northeastern liberal guilt and name someone else's baby with it. Bailey is a fine name.
5:04:51 PM Kirsten Boyd Johnson (GTalk): She's pitting us against each other.
5:05:02 PM JEC (GTalk): What would you name the child, Palenque?
5:05:24 PM Kirsten Boyd Johnson (GTalk): Iztaccihuatl
5:05:44 PM JEC (GTalk): I love you.
5:05:47 PM Kirsten Boyd Johnson (GTalk): I recommended a bevy of fairly normal ones, as well...

awe.sm children's shirts

2011-04-13T22:56:27Z

kid-shirt,
originally uploaded by cowperthwait.

Incredibly, two sets of parents, independently, thought this would be a good idea for their little ones.

Mississippi Republicans aren't so hot on interracial marriage (/flush toilets) (/books)

2011-04-07T21:14:43Z

"And we vote!"

From a poll of Mississippi Republican voters conducted in the year 2011:

We asked voters on this poll whether they think interracial marriage should be legal or illegal— 46% of Mississippi Republicans said it should be illegal to just 40% who think it should be legal. For the most part there aren't any huge divides in how voters view the candidates or who they support for the nomination based on their attitudes about interracial marriage but there are a few exceptions.

[Resigned Alaska governor and television entertainer Sarah] Palin's net favorability with folks who think interracial marriage should be illegal (+55 at 74/19) is 17 points higher than it is with folks who think interracial marriage should be legal (+38 at 64/26.) Meanwhile [former Massachusetts governor and corporate executive Mitt] Romney's favorability numbers see the opposite trend. He's at +23 (53/30) with voters who think interracial marriage should be legal but 19 points worse at +4 (44/40) with those who think it should be illegal.

—Barbour, Bryant lead in Mississippi, Public Policy Polling

I don't have any jokes here. I tried a few, but I just got depressed.

[h/t Seldo]

Donald Trump takes the high road

2011-03-29T19:21:42Z

David Frum asks:

Is Donald Trump crazy? Or does he just hold a very, very, very low opinion of the Republican primary voter?

At first blush, the latest development in this story wouldn't seem to resolve the question:

"I don't think anyone's going to question whether Donald Trump is or was not born in New York," [Trump lawyer and advisor Michael] Cohen said. He went on to say that there are hospitals named after the Trump family in New York, yet the only hospitals named after Mr. Obama are in Ghana.

"It's a little bit odd," he said.

… but observe!: Trump himself didn't proffer the crazy innuendo, he had a proxy do it on his behalf.

This suggests some (extremely limited, extremely relative) degree of sanity, so I'm going with Option B.: Mr. Trump is indeed sane, and just profoundly cynical about the Republican primary voter.

Whew. That's a relief.

—Donald Trump's lawyer on birth certificate controversy: No one doubts where Trump was born, CBS

Quitting smoking is weird.

2011-03-07T14:26:35Z

O. had warned me about the vivid dreams, but O. was also the kind of smoker who would take smoking breaks from smoking a cigarette to smoke another cigarette. I think he had a futures contract with Bic for lighter fluid. In contrast, I was just a pack-a-week kind of guy, and I'd even quit once before, for over a year, so I didn't think this time would be that noteworthy or difficult.

The dreams, though. So specific:

Last night I dreamed that a journalist who covers my company asked me to smoke a cigarette with him. He seemed put out when I said no. We discussed an upcoming conference that we'll both be attending, and this was some kind of implicit threat — I wouldn't get to hang out with him, or secure his coverage at the conference, if I didn't accept his proffered cigarette. I didn't want to risk disappointing or alienating my boss, so I took the cigarette, stuck it behind my ear, and the two of us watched a space shuttle cross the horizon. You know, like normal.

This morning, I saw a blog post by said journalist in my news feed. My very first thought was righteous incredulity: Did you know, he's a smoker?!

December 25, 2010

2010-12-25T09:11:31Z

noël

iPhone voice recognition: a true story

2010-12-19T18:58:39Z

COWP
Play Arcade Fire.

Chime
iPHONE
Playing songs by Blur.

COWP
No. … Play Arcade Fire.

Chime
iPHONE
Playing songs by Foreigner.

COWP
No! … Play Arcade Fire.

Chime
iPHONE
Playing songs by Blur.

COWP
Christ. No. … Play ArrrCAYYYD FIII-yurrr.

(Pause)

Chime
iPHONE
Playing songs by Foreigner.

COWP
No! ArrrCAYYYD! … FIII-yurrr!!!

(Pause)

Downward chime
iPHONE
No match found.

COWP
No! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

(Passersby turn and stare)

(Long pause)

Upward chime
iPHONE
Lucy Wilson: Home? Home fax? Work? Work fax? Mobile? or Other?

(Long pause)

COWP
No. … … … Play … Blur.

Chime
iPHONE
Playing songs by Foreigner.

Better safe than sorry

2010-12-06T15:29:53Z

The move from the old hospital will take place Tuesday and Wednesday and will be a complicated, choreographed performance, involving hundreds of nurses, hospital administrators and hired movers. The plan is to limit the disruption to the lives of residents, many of whom are physically or mentally fragile, and have been at the hospital for years.

Most residents will be taken over in groups of three, escorted through the one long corridor that connects the two hospitals. Even residents who can walk will be taken by wheelchair to keep the move fast and efficient.

Residents with the most severe dementia will be moved by bus, because they're used to going on day trips in a bus and it will be less alarming, said Marc Slavin, a hospital spokesman.

—a Chronicle story about the new Laguna Honda Hospital

I always take a car service to work, even on the days when I work from home.

just saying

2010-11-16T01:24:10Z

Exhibit A:

Video Games Can Enhance Visual Attention, finds Research, Industry Gamers

Exhibit B:

Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills, The Onion

Giants win the World Cup!!

2010-10-21T11:46:38Z

Uribe, who did not start because of his injured wrist, won it off reliever Roy Oswalt in a game in which a Panda discovered his bite, one of the pitching heroes was a guy who just blew a lead, two stalwarts combined for seven hits after starting the series a combined 3-for-22 and a leadoff hitter who was benched for swinging at everything drew a critical walk.

How nutty does all that sound?

Yep! Pretty nutty! … Pretty … pretty … nut…ty. Uh huh.

… Okay, I'll just admit this: very often I have no idea what the hell sports writers are even talking about.

They're writing with English words, and I can look up each word separately in a dictionary, but when the words are combined into sentences, everything becomes Rooossian. This even when I bring my own knowledge of the players and the game being described. I've made it three decades in this world without being able to describe a sporting event, or decipher others' accounts, and this makes me feel like a foreigner, or a woman, and … come on, nobody wants to be either of those.*

Apparently our Giants are winning the baseball, though. One game before the big games. Suck it, Philly. Etc.

[Giants Flying High, San Francisco Chronicle]

____________________
* I kid.

Yes, your new logo was as unimaginative as your apparel, but:

2010-10-12T01:07:59Z

Gap. Baby:

Having drunk your brand agency's Kool-Aid about why your new PowerPoint title slide of a logo was appropriately dynamic and futuristic and cool, you should not have blinked when some blog nerds made fun of you.

They're people on their computers, on the Internet, who started a controversy about what font you use to write your name. Honestly, the only people nerdier than this are the Han Shot First kids. I guarantee they don't buy $45 chino pants, anyway — too hard to wash out the Cheetos stains.

So you should not have acquiesced.

Instead, issue a cheerful dismissive statement…

We understand some bloggers are excited about the new way we've started writing our name on the Gap.com website. We're thrilled to be the recipient-du-jour of their enthusiasm and their passion, and we thank them for their unsolicited suggestions, most of which were absolutely awful, but we stand by the talented artists at our branding agency. The new logo stays.

At Gap Brands, we're more enthusiastic about this season's line of uncontroversial plaids and solids, and we know our loyal customers are, too. We welcome the blogosphere to join us in one of the 6722 San Francisco-area retail locations or online at Gap.com, just as soon as you emerge from your parents' basements.

… and move on.

I guarantee this whole thing would've blown over. Dragging it on with defenses and apologies and retractions and reversals just drew more attention to your little embarrassment long after the nerds otherwise would've refocused attention to picking apart continuity details in last night's penultimate episode of Mad Men and the rest of us continued ignoring your time capsule of plus-sized Clinton administration periodwear.

You're welcome.

Jon Gesticulator

2010-09-16T17:04:26Z

At a recent event I made a new acquaintance, and after I made it through the interaction without spilling wine on myself or making inappropriate reference to yiffers, we traded contact information. I only got a first name, but that was no big deal — I have a method.

If I don't know your real surname when I put you in my book, I'll make one up to help me remember who you are.

Jenny Recruiter
Carl Christmasparty
Jamie Hotterson

It's useful as a placeholder until I learn your real name, unless you're Bash. After seven years, David Bashwiner is still in my book as David Kirkcameron. He knows.

(Maybe it's a stretch to call this a "method". It's more like a "thing I do", and, by the way, I know I'm not the only person who does it. A friend has like 30 people in his phone surnamed "deGrindr" or "deOkCupid". Like 30 of them. Just saying.)

In any event, the acquaintance went in my book with a mnemonic surname. This wouldn't make for an interesting story except that subsequently we had occasion to trade messages. I dashed off an e-mail from my mobile phone, and did you know?, the phone automatically completes an address for you if someone's stored in your book?

Now you know!

And now my ~~method~~ thing I do has been exposed to the world. If anyone needs me, I'll be hiding under my desk, with booze.

Chicago: the place to be if you want to be in New York.

2010-08-28T20:27:38Z

I’m so excited. I’m so proud. It’s amazing. It totally reinforces that Chicago is the place to be if you want to be in comedy.

—iO Theater founder Charna Halpern reacting to news that two Chicagoans have been hired into the cast of Saturday Night Live, which shoots in New York.

Screenshot of the day: quality craftsmanship at the Washington Post

2010-08-12T16:57:39Z

Oh, WaPo. Is anyone still around — editors or readers... — to give a crap?

I would not let my child work with animal shemales, no.
In the what? In the bum?

Chicago Tribune screenshot of the day

2010-08-11T21:23:03Z

…and Viewers Like You.

how to entertain a 2-year-old

2010-08-10T00:48:43Z

Fun place for a milkshake? Trolleys are always good. We enjoy parks, long walks on the beach, gays, gay clothes. Nolan really wants to see your iPad, I believe.

—Nolan's mother, preparing me for his visit and inadvertently penning the perfect OKCupid profile

Today the governor vetoed all funding for cats.

2010-07-17T17:56:28Z

Fun with CNN headlines / punctuation matters. And, let's be honest, this story would make about as much sense.

The state party platform includes a Free Steak plank

Cupertino really has thought of everything

2010-07-02T15:14:37Z

Ta-daa.

Problem:

Actual Don Asmussen cartoon panel

Solution:

Actual Apple, Inc. e-mail I received last Thursday

Happy Friday.

2010-06-25T19:34:14Z

If you say so.

Real Steve Jobs wasn't quite right

2010-06-24T23:54:01Z

A commenter on the TechCrunch piece points out that the Hold button isn't just like Mute, and Hold didn't actually go away — you just have to hold down the Mute button for ~2–3 seconds.

Now we know!